1.
Number one being my mama..
Me and my mama have always been close ever since I can remember. If my mum wasn't around I would always call my mama up (and still do now) to come on over or to meet me to go and explore the countryside usually. Although this last year, as much as I have tried to prevent it, hasn't been the same. A mixture of tiredness, age and illness has kind of made me feel like the mama I know is slowly disappearing and an anxious, older lady is beginning to show. I know for many and even for myself, anxiety isn't too straight forward and if you have never experienced it yourself its hard to truly understand how someone can feel, this is what I am experiencing with my mama. No matter how hard I try to take her places and to create new memories (trust me I have tried every single day this week and last) I still don't have my fun loving outdoorsy mama that I know.
So here I am hoping that my mama rather rapidly opens her eyes to the world and to stop concentrating on minor issues in life - before its too late. (Hopefully reading back in this in a couple of months time I will feel like she has).
2.
Being a student but dreaming of being a graduate..
Before I started university I believed that I wouldn't go. After taking a gap year to travel and coming back with very little money I threw myself into a full time job in recruitment with the idea that I was saving for my next big adventure. Yet here I am in my first year of university.
I don't know what it was that made me think I needed to go to university, I guess a mixture of looking online at the type of work I would love to do and most of them saying I need a degree and a desire to meet new people and to do something by myself. Now I am at university I couldn't of asked to meet such good friends already nor could I have asked to choose a course that fits so closely to my interests. However I constantly wish I could do this or wish I could have that and I realise that until I have graduated I cannot truly grow up and explore.
Ever since I was young I have said I don't want to live in the UK, I guess I enjoy the sunshine too much and the easy going nature of those that travel and live abroad. I always feel like the UK is so miserable and little too serious at times. So here I am hoping that the next two years fly by and I have as much fun as possible but graduating with the grade to get me to where I want to be.
3.
20 is a strange age.
December 2013 my family changed due to my parents splitting up and my oldest brother moving to London, which left myself, my younger sister and my mum and dad to decide what was going to happen, however I was about to leave the country with all of my belongings to go and travel with no idea of when I would be back.
So, once I did come 'home' I came back to my house for sale with just my mum and sister in it and my dad left to fend for himself, which I couldn't stand the thought of.
Over a year on things have settled down a lot, however they just aren't the same. Although I live with my boyfriend it is the strangest thing going 'home' to my family and my dad not being there. Being 20 years old is so strange because you still feel like a child in some ways but then you feel so grown up and so responsible in so many other ways.
I have always been mature for my age but I have never realised how hard to it is having to split your time between one side of your family and then the other - whilst trying to understand how everyone feels. So here I am hoping that this time next year things start to feel more 'normal' and my family start to feel more like a family. (God help me and my sister).
....
Does anyone else ever feel like just having one big sigh??
Love Ella X
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